Recent events in my life have brought me to the end of myself like nothing ever has before.  In truth, I’m way past the end of myself.  I am understanding experientially things that I have previously only believed intellectually.  I feel like whereas previously I was only living a half-life, now I am living fully.  (The exhilarating thought comes to me occasionally that maybe this new place is still only a fraction of what God has for me as I go deeper into Him).  

 One of the by-products of this new fullness is an experiential understanding of the love of God available to me when I put Him first.  I’ve always known that the believer is “supposed” to love God first and above all.  But in practice, this has always eluded me.  In my honest moments, I have to admit that I was not able to love God more than my husband or my children.  This new place in my life has driven me to God like nothing else, ever.  Suddenly, at the end of myself, I’ve taken to spending an hour a day in worship, prayer and meditation.  Throughout the day I am stopping to look up verses or journal thoughts to God, from God or about God.  He is my first thought in the morning and I am singing His praise with my last breath at night.

This experiencing the love of God, for God and from God is overflowing and leaking out all over in my life.  Even though I am physically and emotionally exhausted (I am getting very little sleep these days, and I have my theories about why, but that is for another post), I have so much more love for my family and those around me.  My love for those around me has grown in pace with my love for God.  It is wonderful and inexplicable.

O Lord, deeper and deeper, all I want is you.

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